I reckon I’m going to hell for writing this post.

In this post I will endeavor to explain why god is responsible for me being a fat person (and therefore an asshole). Now before You condemn me to hell, at least give me a moment of your time to explain.

I joined a fitness group this week. It was still dark when I arrived for the first meeting on the freezing cold Saturday morning. Before even lifting a finger I am already regretting my decision to be there. I mean, I could still be wrapped up in my warm bed in dreamland. As the training session proceeded, I was put through all kinds of agonies, which included running until my chest was on the brink of exploding, push ups until the lactic acid build up in my arms forces me to crumble in a heap on the ground, and for dessert, enough squats to turn my legs to jelly (two days later, I am still hobbling around like an old man on my quads). Why am I doing this? I asked myself then and I ask myself now. Nothing about this is enjoyable. In gods “perfect” design of a human, were push ups and situps part of the plan? Asshole.

And exercise is only half the battle. Next we move on to my favorite part…

Food is awesome.

I’ll start with potatoes. Potatoes aren’t so bad are they? Well apparently they are carbs and I can’t have them. This means no baked potatoes, mashed, roasted, fries, chips, fritters, hash browns, gems, potato scallops or potato bake. And that’s just potatoes! There are so many foods that I am not allowed to eat that taste so good. Did God create taste? If so, then why did he make the bad foods taste so good? Asshole.

Lets dive a little further. Using his immense knowledge and skill, God begins to design a human. The nervous system, the human brain, reproductive system and of course the digestive system. Perhaps God could have ticked a box in the design program that has made me the fat beast I am today.

So God (if that is your real name), you are an asshole.